Why Her Blue Hands Pushed Me Over The Homeschooling Fence
The van door slid open, my daughters eyes were downcast… sad.
“Hi Love. How was school?”
“Fine mommy.”
The silence, typically filled with stories about coveted lunchtime desserts and the silly antics of her friend Jake, was heavy. Too heavy for a kindergartener.
“Did something happen today?”
She slowly raised her eyes to meet mine in the rearview mirror.
“I pulled my pin.”
Letting out a sign of relief, I smiled.
“Oh Baby, this is your first pin pull all year. I am very proud of you! You know, we all make wrong choices sometimes, even mommy. You know how I yelled yesterday? That was a wrong choice.”
Tears began to fill her clear blue eyes which glowed against the backdrop of bright red veins. She buried her face in her hands. I knew this deep pain. This heavy hand brought down upon the world’s people pleasers. She’d let someone down, she had burden them and she feared they didn’t like her anymore.
“Mrs. M is not mad at you Baby. There are just consequences for our actions. This won’t be the last time you’ll make a wrong choice”
Giving into the pain, she released her tears.
I pulled over, stopped the car and looked into my daughter’s eyes. Then I saw her hands… they were blue.
Before I stayed home I taught kindergarten.
In my classroom, the first week of school was a battle. Defending my calm students against their overwhelmed, visually emotional parents was a hard fight.
The children were ready… the parents, often, were not.
When it came time for my daughter to begin school, I was ready but on the fence.
From Kindergarten to 8th grade I was homeschooled. Knowing the benefits of homeschooling and what type of student my daughter would be, I knew she’d excel at home. She was bright, timid, inquisitive, quite, fearful of attention, scared of failure, hard to formally test and easy to overlook.
In order for her to excel at a full-time school she’d have to feel comfortable and safe with her teachers. They would have to pursue her, be patient with her, and love on her in order to know her, heart and mind. That kind of teacher was not a guarantee. But honestly, I welcomed the break and was willing to take that chance.
So, I dropped my daughter off and I didn’t shed a tear.
No battle here!
During the first month of school, my heart became unsettled, uncomfortable leaving my daughter in the care of her teacher. At our first parent teacher conference the unsettled feeling took root. Mrs. M seemed uninterested in her. Not a word was said, negative or positive, that showed any effort to get to know my unassuming child.
But I silenced my heart, fearing I was an overly sensitive parent and former kindergarten teacher. I gave Mrs. M the excuse that the first part of Kindergarten was daunting. Students running out of the building, hiding under the table crying that they see monsters, cutting the girl’s hair next to them, drawing a smiley sun with their own fecal matter on the bathroom wall and peeing on the group-time floor mat were all personal teaching experiences of mine during the first 6-weeks of the school year.
I told myself, “Maybe class is overwhelming and things will change once everyone is settled into their new normal.” This thought, this hope helped to settle my heart for a while.
Once Mrs. M was finished with the beginning of the year testing, I started volunteering in class. I carefully observed my daughter. Even as an introvert, she attracted a lot of friends. Her ability to find magic and beauty in all that’s around her was captivating. It delighted me to watch her being enjoyed and enjoying others. But as I observed Mrs. M, the unsettled feeling returned. To her, my daughter was not a delight.
Sadly, when a teacher does not desire to be around a student it can affect that student academically. My daughter was not being challenged, not being worked with in a small group and reading books were never sent home. But again, I let the fear of being overly sensitive, overly judgmental get in the way of my instincts. I gave Mrs. M the excuse that she taught Kindergarten differently then I did.
Until I saw my daughter’s friends packing reading books into their backpacks.
“Baby, does Mrs. M send reading books home with your friends?”
“Most of them.”
“Well, why doesn’t she send one home with you?”
“She said I don’t know my letter sounds.”
Internally, I was perplexed, angry.
“But Love, you knew your letter sounds before you started school.”
Her voice was soft, embarrassed to speak.
“I just get nervous when she asks me questions.”
This confession did not come as a surprise.
It was time for me and Mrs. M to talk. I needed to look past my fears by focusing on my child. But the meeting never happened due to my daughter’s blue hands.
“Baby, why are your hands blue?”
“I painted them.”
“Okay, why did you paint them?”
Returning her gaze to the ground.
“Mommy, I just got bored!”
“Is that why you pulled your pin?”
“Yes.”
“Do you get bored a lot”
“Yes.”
This too did not come as a surprise.
Was full-time school the best place for my child? Is it the best use of her time and talents? Was having a break worth keeping her in this environment? Would she be better off at home? These questions relentlessly revolved through my mind.
Two weeks after the “bored blue hands” incident was the end of the semester Christmas party. I arrived early to help set up and to talk to Mrs. M about what had happened.
“My daughter told me about how she painted her hands in class and had to move her pin. She was so…”
But before I could go on and tell her of my child’s deep remorse, Mrs. M said cuttingly, coldly, proudly.
“Yep, well I bet she doesn’t do that again!”
Thinking back to those small, tear covered blue hands, my daughter’s hands, the fence I was insecurely sitting on started to teeter. It was time to make a choice. Do I leave her in school? No doubt if she stayed I would fight to move her into a different classroom. Or do I school her at home?
As I hit the ground, the side I landed on did not come as a shock. Hadn’t I always known where she would be best served? That is why I was on the fence in the first place.
So I picked myself up, packed my daughter’s things and we went home.
*This story took place in 2012. My daughter is now in 2nd grade and is still homeschooled. My son will start Kindergarten next year and in regards to him I’m not on the Homeschooling fence. He is a group-learner and will excel in a full-time school setting… I think.
We made so many sacrifices as a family for me to stay home and homeschool our boys for two years. My younger son was in K & 1st grade for that time. He was slow to read and I know that in public school he would have been categorized and stereotyped. But he is very clever and aware and it would have had a permanent negative impact on his attitude towards learning. He is a bright student, he just needed a lot of help with the reading part. Homeschooling allowed him to move forward in all the other subjects while learning to read at his own developmental pace, without judgement. I’m so, so thankful we were able to give that to him. Now both boys are back and public school and flourishing in 2nd and 4th grade respectively. I really like their teachers and the school over all and I’m thrilled they have adjusted so smoothly.
So now I say about homeschooling vs. public schooling: the right thing, at the right time, for each child as an individual.
I enjoyed reading your post about your daughter. 😀
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I 100% agree!!
What an awesome mom you are to recognize that in your son… sacrifice to meet him where he was at and now enjoy the fruit of that labor!!
I am so glad he was able to move at his own pace. Reading is such an interesting skill. Children are ready when they are ready. The connection is either there or not. And there’s no point in pushing a child who is not ready!! I had so many students in tears when I was working with them on reading because they were not ready!! Come 1st and 2nd… most of them were right on track, unless they do truly have a learning delay.
WAY TO GO MAMA!!!
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I’ve never had any desire to home school, which is good, since I’m a single parent and have to work to support us! But, I love how you listened with your whole heart and whole body to what your daughter needed!
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Oh yes, if I was working I wouldn’t be homeschooling.
Kate, single mom’s are like superheroes in my book. What a blessing you are to your family! If you were here in front of me I’d give you a big hug… and buy you a margarita!!
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And I’d take both! 🙂
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As a teacher and a mom I love this! This is a wonderful reflection on school. Honestly not all teachers are like the one you found, but our children are too precious for one bad teacher to ruin the joy of learning!
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I am very grateful that all teachers are not like the one Oldest had. But I think when it came down to it, it was more about her than the teacher.
Like I said, if full-time school was the best place for her, I would have just had her moved to a different class. She thrives at home! She did tell me at the end of last year that she misses being around friends so this year she takes Art, Spanish and PE on Thursdays at a University Model School. This seems to be a great fit for her and she’ll be attending that school for all her subjects in 3rd grade. There the students go to school on Tuesdays and Thursday and the parents are the teachers Monday, Wednesday and Friday. It’s a wonderful mix of both worlds!! 🙂
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Oh, man. Reading about his experience reminds me of Li’l D’s experiences earlier this year. At first I figured his sadness and difficulty adjusting for a change, but quickly came to realize the teacher both perceived and treated him as a chore. She moved him back to doing work he’d done two years prior and was incensed that she had to actually do work to get him in synch with students already well immersed into that alternative learning arrangement. The moment I realized how deep her disdain, I pulled D from the school. He has never quite recovered his footing but has, thanks to teachers who are able to engage him, once again come to enjoy school. I am so glad for true teachers … and thinking of homeschooling as a someday option for us.
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Poor Li’l D!! In a perfect world all teachers and students would mesh… I know I didn’t mesh with all my students but I tried my best to meet them where they were at. Looking back, I’m sure I feel short a lot!! Teachers as just human too! But I do agree that some teachers are not true teachers. They are not called to teaching or love teaching. In order to teach well one must have a heart for teaching and for children!!!
I am so happy you found a place with encouraging teachers who are engaging him back into the wonderful world of learning!!
If you do decide to HS and need a sounding board… I’m here for you any time!!! A homeschooling mama needs a good support system to ensure that their children survive 😉
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This is interesting. We are in the first year of home schooling with my son. He’s in 7th grade. Even though I did not love all of my son’s teachers, our decision was based on the fact that there is so much work/homework in public schools. I think it’s unnecessary and I think my son did not respond well to it. We feel very experimental towards the home schooling thing and after this year we will decide what we want to do next, but I think it’s a good choice for some kids. My daughter is only in 2nd grade and I feel she will respond better to a heavy work load and she’s also more social, but we told her that when she gets into the upper grades, she will also have the option. It’s good to hear different people’s takes on the subject.
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I still feel experimental 😉 and I call Moderate Daddy multiple times during the school year, in tears, telling him she has to go to school because I’m about to beat my face in!!
Work load and time spent in school are my #1 reasons for homeschooling in upper grades. I’d always planned on HS my children come 4th grade… actually we have a school here that’s a University Model School. The kids go T-TH to the school and teach them M-W-F. I went to a school like this and loved it. I was well prepared for college, had time to be a teenager, had time to rest and had a lot of great time with my family!!
Y’all might have one around you, if you’re interested. I know this model of school is growing around the country. (NAUMS is what you’d Google)
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That sounds interesting. I’ll have to look into that.
Since my son is 12, we are very minimally hands on with his HS, so there are very few times I am tempted to beat my face in.
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That’s good to hear it gets better 😉
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I loved this, Sarah. My own kids are grown and long, long flown the nest… (they are 29 and 26 respectively). My daughter, the eldest, flourished in school, was universally well liked by students and teachers alike, (still is, actually), and blossomed, bloomed, conquered. She was a hard worker, talented, and achieved much. If my daughter was the Renoir of the family, my son was the Picasso. Not all teachers understand a Picasso. I so, so, so regret not homeschooling him. I know he would have done better. He scraped through 12 years of private education, and though he tested around 98% in everything, he came through with B’s, C’s and … D’s. (I had never seen a D on a report card – imagine the horror!!!) Those were very expensive D’s, I have to admit. He was bored. He was creative and misunderstood. Was he naughty? Sure. Most really intelligent kids are. I’ll never forget that sick feeling in my gut when I drove into the schoolgrounds every day to collect him, not knowing which teacher was going to approach me about my horrid boy.
Well guess what? He is happy, spiritually sound, married with a beautiful wife. He also pulls a 6-figure salary from Apple. There, I said it. At 26, he’s making double what his dad did in corporate America when we lived there, and though I know money is not everything, I also know that teachers do not know everything either. No disrespect to the good ones – I know there are many, many good ones out there!
Every child is their own masterpiece, Sarah. It is up to you to determine whose brushstrokes make the biggest impact.
Well done, darling girl. Well done – Mother Hen
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Mother Hen, your words of encouragement mean the most to me!! And well done on raising productive… loving children!! I would imagine no less coming from your home. It is such a testament to the kind of home your son grew up in… to come out on the other side of being misunderstood and to be well grounded… again… well done!!
Your last line is beautiful… the words you write give such a beautiful… vivid picture of life’s truths. That is why I try to never miss a post by my sweet Mother Hen!
Cluck Cluck -Sarah
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Bless you, Sarah! You are so very kind. I always look forward to your posts as well! You’re a super little momma… keep going, hun – they are worth every struggle! 🙂 xx MH
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I often think of co-op teaching. I would enjoy homeschooling but my passion is math and I’d have a hard time not teaching Algebra 1. We have a local co-op that is very good here and I think my kids would thrive. Seriously not every model of school works for every kid, but the amazing thing about homeschooling is that you get to choose what is best and can cater to what your babies need most!
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very true!!
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Thanks for sharing your story of why you are home schooling! I’m so glad you know your children and are giving them the specific education they each need. Well done!
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Thank you Ms. Mary!!!
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You are welcome! 🙂
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so thankful i have you in my life walking the road ahead of me. i constantly learn from you and have many provoking thoughts before i arrive in “new” seasons because of your experiences. thank you for sharing, thank you for listening to guidance, and thank you for being vulnerable with us fellow moms. your wisdom is so valued!
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Oh my gosh… thank you!!
It is my pleasure to pass on anything to you that might help in your journey!! That is one of the major truths that gets me through hard times… questioning times… is that hopefully God uses what He’s taught me to serve others in actions and in words.
This is truly the kindness… energy giving… makes my time writing worth it.. comment I’ve ever received.
People might think I wrote it 😉 (I didn’t… I promise 🙂 )
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This brought actual tears to my eyes! How can a teacher – a child’s nurturer at school – be so heartless, disinterested and almost ‘clinical’ when it comes to a child? I may not be a teacher, but to me, shouldn’t it be a case of nurturing each child, finding their attributes and working on their hardships? Not just brushing off, dismissing and cruelly disciplining without finding to root cause/problem?
I’m lucky enough to have never encountered a teacher like this in my years of schooling, and I hope beyond all hope my son doesn’t either. My heart would just break to hear of him in this situation.
Thank you for such a beautiful post. What a fabulous mama you are! c
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Mum… Thank you so much for the complement… I try my best 😉
I’m so glad to hear you’ve had great experiences with teachers and I hope your son does too. When I taught I also had a wonderful encounters with all my co-teachers. Oldest needed to be at home so looking back I welcome the temporary unsettling experience!
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Sarah,
We are struggling with this right now. My son is in second grade and I am hearing the same things from his new teacher that I have heard from the last three (Pre K-, K, 1st) “He is so sweet, so smart, but so energetic!” Yep. That’s him. He was diagnosed with ADHD in kindergarten, but my hubs and I have elected not to medicate him (at this point). But as a worrier and self doubter (aka mom), I find myself again reanalyzing our choices. We are considering a Montessori school which may suit his needs better…or maybe we should try the meds and keep him in public school (the school that I chose our home around because of it’s reputation which by the way was waaay more expensive than other nicer homes with less highly regarded schools) Or maybe homeschooling????…but I would have to give up my pillow shop. It is quite overwhelming right now. All I know is that what is happening is not working and change is imminent. Praying we can see with clarity the best road for our boy. *Sigh* So nice to read about your challenges and know there is a soft place to land in all of this.
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Oh friend what hard choices!! Your son is a blessed little man to have such a caring… involved mama!!
I love Montessori school for primary grades and as for medicating… I don’t know much about that area. All I know is that is a hard choice to have to make! Every child response differently but what is constant is that you don’t have to commit to ANYTHING forever. If something ends up being not what your child needs (like Oldest in full-time school) you have the right and duty to change it!!
I’ll be praying for you and your husband and y’all work together to do what’s best for your son… God knows him… every hair on his head and He will guide y’all… I have no doubt!!! Keep me posted!
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I am crying after having heard this. Admittedly, in general, I am not a proponent of homeschooling. With that said, I so totally commend you for your decision for both of your children. I was your daughter in school and in your daughter’s classroom, I wouldn’t have gotten books sent home. It just breaks my heart how she was treated. I was petrified to make a mistake reading, so nothing/ or next-to-nothing came out when we were recorded reading (that was traumatizing for me). What a beautifully touching post!!! You and your daughter are lucky to have one another ❤
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Thank you Alana.
I am sorry to hear of your time in school. It had to have been hard. Do you still struggle with getting nervous?
Oldest, I think, will always feel anxious. She told me once that when she’s around her friends she knows well that she feels, in her tummy, the same way she does around kids she doesn’t know. I asked what that feeling felt like and she said, “like I’m going to throw up.”
We are just taking things one step, one day, one situation at a time and trusting the Lord for guidance!!
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You know I get it.
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Do you HS?!
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=)
No obligation to respond. Thinking these might interest, though.
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They are on my “to read” list for today…
Thanks friend!!
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So sweet. Just after I replied, we had a rockin’ homeschool moment. He made a wonderfully intelligent mistake with the manipulatives. He tried being creative in laying out “5 squared” and actually left the inner pieces out (so that he just showed the perimeter). He counted, and saw he didn’t have 25 tiles but 16, then filled in the square. Oh, these moments make it all worth it.
That second link is on why we shouldn’t tell our kids they’re smart.
Love,
Diana
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I was really intrigued by this post. I am a secondary school teacher and I also provide home tuition to students with disabilities. There are pros and cons of both. I really really admire your resolve and how much you value your daughter’s educational experience. This was a fantastic read!
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Thanks you CC for the kind words and for visiting today!!
There are strong pros and cons for the different ways to school children… that’s one reason I decided to try school out of Oldest to know for sure. Education is such a large part of childhood… it’s a big… sometimes overwhelming decision!! We just do our best!!!
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You are a loving and courageous mom. Homeschooling your children bears a huge responsibility. These words always helped, “Who knows their child better than their mom”. Life’s experiences are generally not found in textbooks. They are merely a resource for learning. Now seems overwhelming, but you will look back and smile…..!
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