Next Halloween Will Cost More Than My Nicest Pair Of Shoes!


Halloween… the official kick off to the holiday season… it’s a neighborhood affair.

Our front yard is the hosting ground for the hotdog cookout (slash) potluck (slash) dessert extravaganza.

Our neighbors front yard is the hosting ground of a pirate ship…  a pirate ship containing a sock cannon.


I’m not sure how the sock canon works.

I’m always gabbing… eating… passing out candy… eating… teasing children… and eating. (I mean there is a potluck… in my front yard!!)

What I do know is the sock cannon scares the crap out of innocent people strolling leisurely by on their mission to find the “good” candy.

The adults are the most entertaining to watch… shock mixed with horror mixed with squeals mixed with happiness!!

It makes me happy!

Needless to say… we draw quite a crowd which means we pass out tons of candy.


Every year I buy more candy than the year before.

I even went to Costco. You know… the place you go to buy in bulk!!!

316 pieces of candy in total this year… that’s 316 people planned for!!

Moderate Daddy calls me “stingy” because I only bestow 1 piece of candy upon the children.

I don’t think he understand mathematics…


MATH PROBLEM: On Halloween night a mama gives 2 pieces of candy to every person… including adults… ADULTS!!! 316 people stopped by… how many pieces of candy did the mama hand out?

answer: 632


Nope… not going to do it!

That amount of candy would cost more than my nicest pair of shoes!!


Plus… don’t we have an obesity problem in this country?

One could say Moderate Daddy’s candy generosity is hurting the youth of America.

Giving out 1 piece of candy not only saves money…

it saves lives!!



But in all seriousness… I could purchase 1000 pieces of candy and still run out… it’s tradition!

So… going along with tradition…

I ran out of candy.

Queue in the candy Oldest and Middle receive trick-or-treating.


It all works out perfectly.

They get done making the rounds at 8pm… I run out of candy around 8:30pm… they’ve already had a few pieces and are off playing somewhere.


Mission SHKC (Steal Half the Kids Candy) is a-go!!!

While Oldest and Middle are next door shooting the cannon (I love you sock cannon) I swiftly… tactically dump half their candy into the communal bucket.

Problem solved…

Money saved…

Mama earns a pack of peanut M&M’s…

Victory is sweet…


SIDENOTE: No chocolate was lost in mission SHKC!


But… this year everything changed.




I need to introduce the man on the left. This is Moderate Pop Pop.  No… he is not a drummer in the band… I am just that bad at drawing and that’s the best I could do.  In real life he is very handsome!!

My dad gave me one of those… “trust me… I know what I’m talking about” looks.

But I knew better than him.

I do this every year and every year I get away with it!!

Watch and learn dad… watch… and… learn!!




Holy crap… she’d saved her highly valued… never bought by mama at the store… candy corn packet for her beloved Pop Pop.

Oldest is my gift giver.

My “life is beautiful and all should be fair” child.

My “this does not make sense… let’s figure out the mystery… even if it takes all night” child.

My night was about to get much longer and the trust my daughter once had in me might be tarnished forever.

I felt like a jerk!

I was a jerk!!

On top of that… Moderate Pop Pop was getting quite a kick out of being right.

I hate when my parents are right because I am still an immature child!!

But then…









(take that Moderate Pop Pop!!)


But then she said…




Seriously… CRAP!!!


SIDENOTE: Oldest still didn’t notice that half her candy was gone… just the second bag of candy corn which, surprisingly, its disappearance was not discussed further.  I could… more than likely… get away with my candy stealing mission next year but I don’t think my heart could take it!!!


1000 pieces of candy… I’ll be seeing you next year!!

Nice pair of boots… our meeting will have to wait!!


It’s Been a (Mission Retired) Pleasure,

Your Moderate Mama