Are We Unintentionally Hurting Our Husbands?
There are no two people alike… there are no two marriages alike.
We all find ourselves living this reckless, hard, beautiful life with someone who is very different from us.
We have different…
backgrounds,
perceptions,
insecurities,
desires,
and bathroom parts (Moderate Daddy term)
Over the last 10 years of marriage, Moderate Daddy and I have realized that many times we were being selfless and loving to one another but it was perceived as disrespectful or hurtful.
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN??!!
The old line,
Communication is key
Well… it’s KEY!!
After some long chit-chats, I leaned how I was unknowingly, unintentionally BUT effectively hurting my husband.
Realty to my husband is based on his perception, same goes for me!
HERE ARE 4 ACTIONS THAT MIGHT HURT OUR HUSBANDS
1. Talking about the things we want/don’t have without the foundation of gratefulness
Wether your husband is the sole provider or not, when all we talk about is what we want to change in our home, our look, our life… it basically sends the following messages.
“You’re failing me!”
“You need to work more… you need to work harder… so I can enjoy “unnecessary” things”
This message, sadly, can produce results and our husbands might start working more…
are we enjoying them not being around…
are we enjoying parenting alone…
probably not!
We have to decide if the life we want is worth the absence of our husbands
SIDE-NOTE: I love talking “dreams”! I’m not saying we should NEVER talk about things we desire or about our dreams. But it has to be on a strong foundation of gratefulness.
Not only gratefulness for our husband’s hard work but gratefulness for the Lord’s provisions.
Are we fed? Are our children fed?
Are we clothed? Are our children clothed?
Are we loved? etc.
Are we making them feel like crappy providers because we can’t buy new Thanksgiving decorations (this happened yesterday!) or a new dress or a new laptop?
If our husbands are providing for our family’s needs and we don’t show appreciation… thankfulness for that, talking about the things we desire, innocently or not, could send a hurtful message!
2. Not initiating sex (what… WHAT??)
Men want to be desired just like we want to be desired. If our husbands are the only ones pursuing sex then the boy might think he’s the only one interested in sex.
He might think he is not desirable and we all know how hurtful that feels.
Now… you might think your husband is undesirable which is a whole other issue that we might get into in another post.
SIDE-NOTE: Not only will initiating sex make your husband feel like Conan the Barbarian but thinking ahead and planning something “nice” to wear might be awesome too. It shows you thought about him in the “adult” way at least once during your crazy day!! You might also send him a “I thought about you in the adult way” text too…
just saying…
you might…
it could be fun!! (sorry dad if you’re reading this!!)
3. Not looking at him
Moderate daddy and I have the same conversation every year… we feel like room-mates.
Do I appreciate him.. oh yes.
Do I need him… heck yeah.
But it’s more like this…
Purely symbiotic… purely boring.
Than this…
I mean… nothing is more romantic than beaks put together in a heart-shaped kiss!!
Part of this is due to the fact that I forget to look at my husband…
I mean really look at him.
Moderate daddy is a handsome… sexy man… he is my best friend… he is sacrificial… tender… a wonderful father and he still turns me on.
But I forget these things when he becomes just a quick passing shadow.
I have to stop…
look…
and think upon him!
He also shared with me that he loves to be greeted when he returns home with a hug, a kiss and eye contact.
Somedays it just comes naturally.
I go and hug him… kiss him… look at him because I have missed him.
Other days I’ve thought of him a whole um… zero times.
In fact, my day has been chaotic and dinner still isn’t ready.
On those days, I still go to him… hug him… kiss him… look at him because I know he desperately needs and desires this from me.
4. Not communicating that we’re upset BUT not at him.
THIS ONE IS HUGE FOR US!!!
If I am in a bad mood and Moderate Daddy comes home… my bad mood is still ever-present… and overwhelming!!
Just a quick…
“It’s been a hard day, I’m just in a bad mood, I’m not upset with you” goes so far.
In our house, it changes a husband who is confused about what he did wrong and a bit pissed because he doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong (because he hasn’t) into a husband who is understanding, helpful and who forces me to go to the back room for a break because to quote him…
Babe… sometimes it’s just easier without you around.
Awesome… bye!
Please share your wisdom… how have you innocently hurt your husband and how did you change that action?
It’s Been a Pleasure,
Your Moderate Mama
I love getting emails from you all, if you’d like, please contact me via the email link at the bottom of my ABOUT page
Very insightful, considerate, and wise ways we could indeed be hurting our men. Thank you for the gentle reminder!
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It was prompted by my complaining about new Thanksgiving decorations and a new laptop… I looked at Moderate Daddy’s face and I saw the hint of him feeling like a failure…
I needed a harsh reminder and I’m glad it comes across to the public as gentle 🙂
I don’t like being harsh with others!
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Guilty of most, especially #3. While I think of my man in an “adult way” and send him texts in “adult way,” I need help with the wearing something “nice” part. And now, that we’re headed into cooler months, the chances of me wearing more revealing clothes is less likely.
It’s been a while since I’ve made a trip ALONE to Victoria’s Secret. I pretty much live in my yoga pants.
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Yoga pants can be sexy… right?
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#2 will always be an issue for most of us gals. It’s just how we are. But the advice you give is sound, and I agree! 🙂 This is a lovely little piece, and I feel it deals sensitively and humorously with what is, for many, a problem. I’m going on 30 years married and we raised 2 kids together. The romance is still there, but I admit guilt on #3 for sure. Just this evening, I made a lovely roast lamb dinner for HH… that was my way of telling him I love him. He came in after a long, long, long day, and I didn’t even stop stirring the gravy… epic fail. THANK YOU for the advice! I will turn a leaf and improve.
Best advice I can give is to learn to trust that he is not going to drive into the trunk of the car in front of you. The minute I stopped madly clutching the dash every time he stopped in traffic, our marriage took a definite turn for the better… 🙂 (my mantra: Trust. Trust. Trust… I may have slight control issues going on…)
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On the “driving” note…
I get sassy when Moderate Daddy gets upset because people won’t let him over when…
HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE HIS BLINKER ON!!!
Other than that… he’s practically perfect in every way 😉
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Haha! Well, we love each other warts and all… plus, in Texas, I think blinkers are against the law anyway… 🙂 🙂 🙂
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This is a great reminder. I tend to grumble about where we live because to put it lightly I don’t like the city we live in at all. It makes him feel bad. Now I have to go hug him 😉
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hugs are good!!
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That they are! 😉
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Communication is so essential. Some days the wifey and I are great at it, and we manage to convey our thoughts carefully to avoid false drama born of misunderstanding yet honestly to address the actual issue.
Sometimes I get carried away, assuming what she’d say, then crafting my “good argument” response, then thinking how she’ll answer that, then coming up with another winning point, and so on. Then we finally talk and I find out I was completely wrong about what was bothering her from the get-go.
One of the best things my wife ever communicated to me was a simple “I love you” in the middle of a big argument. I think it might have been similar to your #1… she was addressing some issue, and I took it to mean that all the good stuff I did was being ignored, and this led to a bunch of back-and-forth bickering. Then, right after some snarky comment I made (and God bless her for this, and thanks God for giving her the grace to do it), she looked me straight in the eye and told me, “I love you.” It immediately deflated the argument for both of us. We took some deep breaths, hugged a bit, and then talked again about what exactly was bothering her, and how we as a team could address it.
You may be a Moderate Mama, but those were great thoughts throughout. 😀
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Sounds like you are married to a gracious woman!!!
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Indeed I am, and grateful for that every day!
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LOL “Not only will initiating sex make your husband feel like Conan the Barbarian”
Wonderful post. I should flirt more on and off the computer screen with him. Really, I should. Thanks.
=)
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Flirting can be strange when you’re married… I do it sometimes and the more I do it the more normal it feels but still….
Why is it so weird to flirt with my own husband?… poor boy!!
Thanks for stopping by!!
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lol Yeah why IS it so weird.
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Thanks for the follow. Welcome to A Holistic Journey. =) People have enjoyed – and found helpful – my posts on blogging, if they interest you. Just tap any title to open up sidebar and you’ll see BLOGGING under My Topics.
Keep up the great blogging.
Diana
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Thanks… yes I’m a newbie so any advice is welcomed. .. I’ll check them out… soon!
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I’m not married but this is sound advice even for those of us who are dating! Thanks for sharing. Your advice is so relevant to what I’ve been going through.
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Thanks. .. dating is not an easy season… and vowing to remain with the same person for the rest of your life(no matter what) is huge and can be a bit scary!!
I wish you well on your journey to find a wife whom you will sacrifice for and love beyond yourself. And who, in turn, will bring you joy, will challenge you and give you many many children 😉
Please come back anytime! !
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Okay… um…well… I learned something new to do before talking about wives and babies and stuff…
Read a person’s About page!!!
Copy everything I wrote just cut out the straight stuff! 🙂
I’m looking forward to reading your post. .. I too am a lover of birds… cardinals to be exact… Moderate Daddy jokes and calls them my soul bird… they make me happy!!
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Hahaha that’s so funny. When I read your first comment and saw that I had another comment notification from you, I had a feeling it was going to be a correction like this! Hahahah no worries. Thank you for even taking the time to make the correction – I appreciate it!
And awesome! Cardinals are beautiful! 😀 I like them too
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What a timely reminder to be gentle on our husbands who often feel a distant #3 after the kids..thanks for sharing!
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This was so good!
Especially about the part in “seeing” him. Hubs and I have been married almost 24 years…crazy! One of my most embarrassing times was not noticing (for 3-4 days) that he had shaved his beard. He finally told me to look at him and find what was different. I looked and looked and couldn’t come up a with a thing. His secretary noticed the very first day. OUCH! Since then, I’ve been much better at seeing him…it’s amazing how much of a difference that makes. xo
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24 years!!! Way to go!!
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Wow……interesting…thank you 😘
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It’s my pleasure… thanks for stopping by Cayenne!!
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This is great to read and so important. Our men need differently than we do.
Thanks. I look forward to digging through your archives.
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