Are We Unintentionally Hurting Our Husbands?


There are no two people alike… there are no two marriages alike.

We all find ourselves living this reckless, hard, beautiful life with someone who is very different from us.

We have different…





and bathroom parts (Moderate Daddy term)

Over the last 10 years of marriage, Moderate Daddy and I have realized that many times we were being selfless and loving to one another but it was perceived as disrespectful or hurtful.


The old line,


Communication is key


Well… it’s KEY!!

After some long chit-chats, I leaned how I was unknowingly, unintentionally BUT effectively hurting my husband.


Realty to my husband is based on his perception, same goes for me!




1. Talking about the things we want/don’t have without the foundation of gratefulness

Wether your husband is the sole provider or not, when all we talk about is what we want to change in our home, our look, our life… it basically sends the following messages.

“You’re failing me!”

“You need to work more… you need to work harder… so I can enjoy “unnecessary” things”

This message, sadly, can produce results and our husbands might start working more…

are we enjoying them not being around…  

are we enjoying parenting alone…

probably not!


 We have to decide if the life we want is worth the absence of our husbands


SIDE-NOTE: I love talking “dreams”! I’m not saying we should NEVER talk about things we desire or about our dreams.  But it has to be on a strong foundation of gratefulness.

Not only gratefulness for our husband’s hard work but gratefulness for the Lord’s provisions.

Are we fed? Are our children fed?

Are we clothed? Are our children clothed?

Are we loved? etc.

Are we making them feel like crappy providers because we can’t buy new Thanksgiving decorations (this happened yesterday!) or a new dress or a new laptop?

If our husbands are providing for our family’s needs and we don’t show appreciation… thankfulness for that, talking about the things we desire, innocently or not, could send a hurtful message!


2. Not initiating sex (what… WHAT??)

Men want to be desired just like we want to be desired. If our husbands are the only ones pursuing sex then the boy might think he’s the only one interested in sex.

He might think he is not desirable and we all know how hurtful that feels.

Now… you might think your husband is undesirable which is a whole other issue that we might get into in another post.

SIDE-NOTE: Not only will initiating sex make your husband feel like Conan the Barbarian but thinking ahead and planning something “nice” to wear might be awesome too. It shows you thought about him in the “adult” way at least once during your crazy day!! You might also send him a “I thought about you in the adult way” text too…

just saying…

you might…

it could be fun!! (sorry dad if you’re reading this!!)


3. Not looking at him

Moderate daddy and I have the same conversation every year… we feel like room-mates.

Do I appreciate him.. oh yes.

Do I need him… heck yeah.

But it’s more like this…


Purely symbiotic… purely boring.

Than this…


I mean… nothing is more romantic than beaks put together in a heart-shaped kiss!!

Part of this is due to the fact that I forget to look at my husband…

I mean really look at him.

Moderate daddy is a handsome… sexy man… he is my best friend… he is sacrificial… tender… a wonderful father and he still turns me on.

But I forget these things when he becomes just a quick passing shadow.

I have to stop…


and think upon him!

He also shared with me that he loves to be greeted when he returns home with a hug, a kiss and eye contact.

Somedays it just comes naturally.

I go and hug him… kiss him… look at him because I have missed him.

Other days I’ve thought of him a whole um… zero times.

In fact, my day has been chaotic and dinner still isn’t ready.

On those days, I still go to him… hug him… kiss him… look at him because I know he desperately needs and desires this from me.


4. Not communicating that we’re upset BUT not at him.


If I am in a bad mood and Moderate Daddy comes home… my bad mood is still ever-present… and overwhelming!!

Just a quick…

It’s been a hard day, I’m just in a bad mood, I’m not upset with you” goes so far.

In our house, it changes a husband who is confused about what he did wrong and a bit pissed because he doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong (because he hasn’t) into a husband who is understanding, helpful and who forces me to go to the back room for a break because to quote him…


Babe… sometimes it’s just easier without you around.


Awesome… bye!


Please share your wisdom… how have you innocently hurt your husband and how did you change that action?

It’s Been a Pleasure,

Your Moderate Mama

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